Confessions Of An Estranged Son
What is this feeling of discomfort that I am feeling? have I felt this before? Is it depression? I feel that there is this load of emotion that is stuck inside of me, which I cannot release. It like there is a block in my energy flow, there are some moments which some of the energy is released, but its like when you have piles and your shit is blocked, you have to make an enormous effort to put it out. Its painful and slow and you have to push and after the whole process you feel absolutely exhausted and drained. maybe there is some kind of mental or emotional piles / hemorrhoid that is blocking the elimination of the bad energy trapped inside of me, thereby denying room for new, creative and positive energy to be manifest inside of me.
I have felt this way before, usually after a breakup. After I have lost a part of me. I guess this time it was the loss of Thaththi (its what I call my Father), that triggered this. I am still unable to let go of the last few days that he was alive. I feel that I did not do the best that I could for him and that I was unkind to him. I feel like my life has stopped in January this year and that I am kinda waiting for Thaththi to show up again so that I can make things right with him. Tell him that I was sorry of how I treated him and that I loved him and that I wish had more time with him. He was a man who had many flaws and who had fucked up in many ways..but he was a kind man and I miss his kindness, more than anything else. I still look at my room door sometimes, like he would just appear like he used to…with water, or a tea bun or some kind of new electronic device that he was making out of scrap and wanted to show me. I wish that I had paid more attention to him when he was around, spent more time with him, listened to him and tried to understand him rather then judge him. I spent so many years of my life not talking ti him, because I was angry…at the things that he was doing at the time and the consequences his actions and lack of actions had for me and my mother. I was not sensitive or conscious enough to realise that this was a man in pain himself, who was trying to drown his pain in alcohol. A broken man, who knew that he had fucked up and just did not have the strength to look life in the eye and pull himself back together. As much as I could not bare to look at him sometimes, in his drunken state, we did try what we could to bring him back to how he was, a good Husband and a loving Father, who I used to adore when I was a kid and who was my Hero. But again, how this man be those things to us, when he was not even himself. I guess we were too selfish to realise that this man needed to be there for himself first, find himself first, forgive himself first…instead, we naively believed that all this man needed was forgiveness from his Wife, his Son and Society to be ok again. What a selfish and ignorant fucking notion that was.
But hindsight is an Amazing thing, all these things that seem so clear to me today, almost 7 months since his death, was no where to be found when we…and most importantly ‘HE’ needed it the most.
p.s — this was a Raw, unedited piece written through lots of tears and emotion. Apologies for the inconsistent writing.