W A N K S P I R A C Y: The Consumerism Secret
A must-read for Men
We have all heard of COWSPIRACY, the Kip Anderson / Keegan Kuhn documentary on the disastrous effects of Animal agriculture on the Environment and Sustainability. Well, screw that, I am going to tell you about a far more damaging conspiracy in the modern era.
The term ‘Wanker’, in its current state of use, is derogative and associated mainly with someone who is useless and does nothing much else all day than ‘wank’ i.e masturbate. Its usually used to refer to someone who does not have a job, does not have money and in a stereotypical modern assessment of success, has achieved little or none. In the next few paragraphs, I aim to present a theory that will change the world (or your opinion of wanting to read any of my articles in the future). Ready or not…here we go…
Let’s start on a Micro-level. Men, how many times have you been in a situation that you wanted to have sex with someone in a particular moment, and along with a brain malfunction that give you an IQ of a popsicle, you also suddenly have this immense amount of energy, to do whatever it takes to get with this person, like run across the Campus at 12 Noon, hop on a Bus at 2 am, Jump over walls and sneak into houses, stay up all night just to get that booty call, shoplift a Condom, etc etc etc. The whole anticipation of Sex, specifically the anticipation of Sex at a particular moment, that bushfire in your loins…that is nature intoxicating the brain and making Men do all sorts of crazy shit, all to the end of procreation.
If we move the above scenario to a macro-scale. In order to mate with a woman, or to set up the possibility of mating with said Woman, Men do all sorts of Crazy things. They work hard, earn money, buy houses and cars and watches and jewelry to impress women, so that they can eventually have sex with them.
Now, back in our micro-scenario, for some reason you are unable to get to this person (usually, because they are not physically available at that moment), what do you do…as any logical Man with absolutely no other option at the moment…you have a Wank.
The perspective and post-wank clarity, is as obvious as taking your Penis out of the pencil sharpener. The rush of Blood back to your head from your Penis, and the clarity that comes with a wank (pun intended), means immediate restoration of normal brain functions, and you no longer want to scale the bloody Empire state building to fuck someone. And thus ends the madness of ‘fuck-phase’, and we are able to carry on with our normal lives. Until the next episode.
As Men, general existence is stressful. So the world has given us so many distractions, like TV, Video games, Social Media etc to focus on, thus taking away even more time and energy that could have used to have a wank, a free and always available stress relief option with many benefits.
So between the initial desire and the actual act of copulation…lies a Billion Dollar matrix of Cars and Watches and Restaurants and Perfumes and Shoes and Flat screen TVs and iPhones and whatever else Men buy Women (or other Men, depending on which team you are batting for). A Wank will save the Day…and some Dollars.
The Economy runs on Non-wanking MEN. Because, if Men got over that initial intense desire to have sex with someone by busting a nut, there would be a society of men who just do what they want to do, instead of doing and buying things to impress and attract women.
In conclusion, a Wanker does not have the need to buy shit to impress a woman, in order to ‘get with her’. Because the wisdom of the wank has put things in perfect perspective. And because Capitalism does not benefit from this state of mind, Men with clear heads and empty balls are called Wankers and made to feel like they are useless, to the economy.
Are YOU a Wanker?
